Celebrating and aware

My niece and goddaughter Clare is getting married today. Folks are flying in from all over. Everything is just about set. We are looking forward to celebrating this evening with her and her soon-to-be husband Joe.

Clare has just one sibling, Patrick. They are close, just 15 months apart and Clare has been a great big sister to Patrick. But Patrick won't be coming to the wedding. Patrick has autism and doing anything out of his routine and unfamiliar is very upsetting to him, as are unfamiliar surroundings and loud noise. All those elements together would be too much for him, so he is staying home. They have had private celebrations in their immediate family and there will be many more. Patrick loves Clare and if he could be there, he would. She knows that. And that is enough.

Patrick was a few years older than Maggie and my sister Mary was (and is) a huge support to me as I raised Maggie. Though our kids had completely different disabilities, there are more similarities than you would think. Parenting a child with a significant disability is a club unto itself and my sister and I were both members. We have the same weird sense of humor and could laugh at the absurdity of our lives together. That saved us both over the years.

It is hard for Clare to do this without her brother but she knows it's best for him and that is all that matters to her - doing what is best for Patrick. When he was young and they were all figuring out how to handle his autism, Clare would defend his behaviors to other. She would tell kids, "My brother is artistic" as though that would explain everything. (That was particularly amusing since her dad, my brother in law Channing, is an artist.)

Even though Patrick cannot be at the wedding in person, he is part of the ceremony.  Clare is having her cousin Will stand in for Patrick as a groomsman. Will and Patrick are about the same age and he and Clare have always been close, so it's perfect. Also, the groom and his men are all wearing the little puzzle piece for autism awareness in lieu of a boutonniere. I think that is just a perfect tribute to Patrick.

April is autism awareness month. We will all be aware as we celebrate today, just as we have been for 30 years.

Maggie and Patrick one Thanksgiving many years ago.

Connected cousins

The holiday was great. Thanksgiving dinner was at my moms'  We were a relatively small number (14)  for dinner this year. If everybody is there, which rarely happens, we are about 40. Exactly 1/2 of the 20 grandchildren were present at my mom's for some of the day on Thanksgiving. Here she is posing with nine of them. (Note my son Tim in the back with the beard. You wouldn't know he's 6'1" tall in this crowd)

 It was just the "girls"  this year.  That's me and my four sisters and our families. My sister Ellen and her  family had to go to her inlaws for dinner but they were there for the appetizers.  Joan's entire family was there, but Kate, Mary and I were missing a kid (or two, in Kate's case) who could not make it home for the Holiday. My two brothers did not come. My younger brother and his wife went to Lake Tahoe. Their daughter is away at school and finals are next week so she didn't come home. Happily, though, she is in school in Los Angeles, where my older brother lives. She went  to her uncle's  house because he was staying in LA with his wife.

The picture above shows only 9 of the 10 grandchildren who were there. Mary arrived after Ellen and her family left so Patrick was missing from the picture. There are a couple of reasons for this. Mary and her family come from the farthest distance, about 2.5 hours away. More importantly, her son Patrick operates best on a shorter time frame. Holidays with all - or even half - the cousins can be extremely overwhelming for anybody, but especially for Patrick. Patrick is 25 and autistic. He lives in a group home and comes home to see his parents every other weekend and on Holidays. 

Patrick sat next to me at dinner. He kept saying hello to Maggie in his very quiet voice and she would laugh uproariously every time she heard it.  These two cousins have a special bond; or maybe all of us have just decided they have a bond because they are both profoundly disabled, albeit in completely different ways. I think it's the former, though. There is a kinship there. 

I was happy to get this picture of the two of them together, both smiling and actually looking at one of the cameras.(There were several. Patrick and Maggie had to deal with the paparazzi.) Usually there are too many people floating here and there, or one of the two of them is absent from the party because of illness or schedule. Not this time.  

We have a lot to be thankful for..