Ambassador Chris Stevens

Everybody over the age of about 15 years old can tell you what they were doing 12 years ago this morning. September 11, 2001 is seared into our hearts and minds. It changed our country and it changed us.

Last year there was another September 11 attack killing 4 Americans, but this time it happened in Benghazi, not New York and Washington DC and in the skies over Pennsylvania. There are far fewer of us who remember that day as clearly as we do 2001. But I am one of them because one of those four Americans was our friend Ambassador J. Christopher Stevens.

Chris and my husband Steve had been friends for over 30 years since their days as roommates in college. This picture is from October 2011 when Chris came over for dinner as he did whenever he was in the Bay Area.

I went to a meeting that night and Steve called in the middle of the meeting saying something had happened in Benghazi. I told him not to worry because the Embassy is in Tripoli, not in Benghazi. I tried to concentrate on the meeting and then on the lecture I went to afterward. I apologized to my friend Mark for constantly checking my phone throughout the lecture, but I was desperate for information. There was nothing to know. Yet.

I came home and we watched the news. By then we knew there was one American dead, but we didn't know who it was. I searched Twitter and CNN and everything else I could get for breaking news. We rationalized that if the Ambassador were hurt or killed it would be all over the news and for some reason we took solace in that. I was sure he was OK, but before I went to bed I sent Chris an email because I knew at the very least, he had lost a member of his staff. I wished him well, told him we were worried  and asked him to check in when he had a minute. Of course, he never did.

I woke up early the next morning, maybe 5:30 or 6:00.  Steve was still asleep. I grabbed my kindle looking for news. It opened up to facebook and of course I was distracted. I saw a picture of Chris that someone posted and I smiled to myself. Chris had a facebook page but rarely if ever used it. It made me smile to see his picture there. I scrolled down and there was another picture. I didn't smile this time. The morning fog and distraction lifted and suddenly I knew why there were pictures of him.

My fears were confirmed instantly. I gasped and woke Steve who could tell that something was very  wrong. Steve is used to me waking him with some problem or another usually Maggie related. Those are graduated in terms of importance. Equipment malfunctions are one thing, but medical emergencies are another, He has learned to read my sense of urgency from his sleep and he knew this was bad. He turned to me and said "WHAT!?!?" I looked at him and said quietly, "It's Chris."

Steve was in complete disbelief and we looked at the kindle together as the television came on. We watched the reports in silence with wide eyes. We were hearing a major news story affecting all of America, and they were talking about our friend Chris. It was surreal.

We went about our day in a robotic fashion. I got Maggie off to school and Steve went to work. Within a couple of hours Steve was being interviewed by several different news outlets. It started local and went national by the end of the day. Steve said the weirdest was his interview with NBC nightly news. They asked him to come to the Moscone Center for the interview. NBC was already there covering the release of some new Iphone gadget. Everyone was all atwitter about that. Steve waited to be interviewed by the national news while listening to people go on about the newest toy. The disconnect was too much.

It took months for things to return to even a semblance of normal. Steve spoke at a memorial service at City Hall a
 couple of months after Chris died. We were seated next to the Libyan Ambassador to the United States and met Senator Feinstein and former Secretary of State George Schultz and many other dignitaries. To say these are not our normal circles would be a gross understatement. We had to listen as the death of our friend became a political football in the national election and beyond. Well meaning acquaintances could not help but share with us their political spin on what happened parroting either FOX news or MSNBC, neither of which had any credibility for us. For us it wasn't political, it was personal.

 Eventually, though, things calmed down and we could just grieve about losing Chris. But grieving wasn't enough. Steve needed to DO something.

Since then, Steve has worked with Chris' family finding ways to continue Chris' legacy of "people first" diplomacy. Steve and Austin, another of Chris's close friends, raised funds, rallied current and former fraternity brothers from Berkeley to contribute to the effort and to carry on Chris' good work.

Maybe we can't all be Ambassadors, but we can all try to understand one another a little better. Wouldn't the world be a better place if more people acted like Chris Stevens? Indeed it would.

Now a year later, we still miss Chris. We are still devastated by what happened. But we are looking forward. Programs are being put into place to continue his work with improving relations with the Middle East using student exchanges. The State Department has a program, the John Christopher Stevens Fund is developing programs and we are doing the same thing. The next Chris Stevens is out there, and these programs will help find him or her and nurture the interest and  natural talent they have to make a difference in the world.

 Today Steve and Austin were interviewed by Channel 5 again and they both had big smiles remembering Chris. It's hard not to. He was the most positive person in the world. The interview is here: http://sanfrancisco.cbslocal.com/video/9294271-bay-area-friends-remember-ambassador-chris-stevens/

 If you want to know more about Chris I suggest you check out www.rememberingchrisstevens.com to see posts from relatives and friends from all over the world as well as from admirers who never met him.


For Chris Stevens, Sean Smith, Glen Doherty and Tyrone Woods, killed in Benghazi last year and for the 3,000 killed in America in 2001: we honor you all. You are not forgotten.  

Beautiful memorial

The service for Ambassador Stevens was lovely. His siblings told stories only siblings would know and set a very sweet tone for the event. That definitely made it easier for Steve. He did a great job with his talk.

We were in the front row along the side, which was great. I took pictures up close and personal.

But I didn't have the vantage point to get the majesty of City Hall. My Niece Colleen Toomey was in the back and took the first one and my brother in law, Pete Degolia, who was also a fraternity brother of the Ambassador, took the second one from the balcony. It was such a beautiful setting and perfectly fitting for Chris.

 

I was extremely proud of Steve. My son Tim was next to me and said I was completely frozen during Steve's speech but then started asking him inane questions while the Libyan Ambassador to the United States was talking. I think I was relieved that Steve had done so well and could finally relax a bit. Of course Tim was actually trying to LISTEN to the Ambassador, so that wasn't good. 

Maggie stayed home and held down the fort. 

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Goodbye to a Friend

Today is the Memorial Service for our friend Ambassador Chris Stevens. It is open to the public and I'm sure there will be thousands of people there.  The service takes place at 4:30 this afternoon in the Rotunda of San Francisco City Hall, which is a perfect place for this ceremony. It is a gorgeous building both formal and open at the same time, very much like Chris.

I know there will be at least four speakers and one of them is my husband Steve. He has been working on his speech for days, trying to get it short enough to fit into the allotted time. It is difficult to capture the essence of a 35 year friendship in a five minute speech. Steve is extremely honored to be asked by Chris' family to speak, but he is understandably nervous about making it through the speech in one piece.

I know WHAT Steve will say, I just don't know HOW he will do it. Forget the number of people present, including various dignitaries, that's nothing;  it's the emotion. Despite all the international consequences and the unfortunate attempts at politicizing this tragic event, for us it's personal.  Steve lost a very dear friend in the most horrific manner and he is extremely sad. Talking about it is very difficult for him.

Chris Stevens was my friend too, if only through my connection to Steve.  He was a wonderful, wonderful man who was thoughtful and kind, friendly and easy going, brilliant and down to earth. He came here for dinner whenever he was in the Bay Area and we always spent hours eating, drinking and talking - catching up on the months that had passed since our last dinner.

I've read so many things about Chris since the attack on the Consulate in Benghazi 36 days ago. All of what I read was positive and absolutely none of it surprised me. Of all the quips and stories and memories shared, one thing really stands out. A woman who knew him (and I don't remember the connection now) said, "whenever we spoke, about 90% of the conversation was about me."

I nodded as I read that because it was true for me too. Chris would  ask about Maggie and how the school system worked, marveled at her ability to use her communication device and her ability to overcome her medical challenges. He'd ask about how it was to manage her care and whether I missed practicing law. He asked about the boys and their lives. He asked about Steve's work and friends we had in common. There was reminiscing and laughing at the same old jokes just as all of us do with old friends.

We would hear about his family, last year of his sister's wedding and his brother's sweet little girls. We spoke of the law and law school though it was ancient history for all of us. We would talk politics in a very general way, never anything revealing in any way, but I never felt that he was hiding anything either. He would tell us about his current post, but mostly about the way they lived, never anything about the danger or the diplomacy itself.  I never really realized that until after he died because it was done so effortlessly. He was a natural diplomat and when you finished an evening with Chris, you felt like all was right in the world, He made us feel good about ourselves.

I knew more cities in the Middle East than most people because Chris had lived in nearly all of them. (I wait for a "capitals of the Middle East" category on Jeopardy.)  Chis loved the Middle East and loved the people. His stories were about cab drivers and people in cafes, not Presidents and politicians.

Of course we knew his work was dangerous - or at least that it took place in a dangerous part of the world, but that was never really discussed. It was just understood. We were naive and happy to remain so. I would always tell him to be careful because I knew the possibilities, but I never in a million years really believed anything would happen to him. It just couldn't.

But it did.

And now he's gone and we have to say a formal goodbye today, which will be a difficult thing to do. I am so proud that my husband is able to get up and tell the world about his friend Chris Stevens. Because there is much to tell. And much to miss.

Steve and Chris 1980                                           Steve, me and Chris, 1990

                                               Chris, Austin and Steve 1991(ish)

                                                        Chris and Steve 2011

The Triple Occupancy Club

Today I turn this site over to my husband Steve and his wonderful tribute to his friend Ambassador Chris Stevens

http://www.rememberingchrisstevens.com/post/32058116035/the-triple-occupancy-club

Drawing of the Triple Occupancy Club done By Chris Stevens in 1980  Chris Stevens and Steve McDonald UC Berkeley 1980 and (below) in our living room in 2011

   

Maggie weighs in

Despite the world circumstances that have hit us so personally and so hard, we have to marshall on. we have to get things done and Maggie still needs our full attention. We can't lose ourselves in this because Maggie still needs to be lifted, suctioned, fed, etc etc. It's good, though. She keeps us grounded.

Maggie cannot understand what happened, though she fully understands that we are upset and that dad is on TV. She even refrained from her standard statement, "I don't like TV" when her dad is on the screen.

Last night just as the nurse left, Maggie was sitting in the living room with me. Steve was behind her in the dining room on the computer. She said, on her talker Dad? Dad? Dad? He absentmindedly answered "Yes Maggie I'm right here."  Satisfied, she hit her "news from school" button and this is what she said.

Listen closely.

If you could not hear it, I took a picture of the screen too and you can read it for yourself

She waited to get his attention and then gave him her message. I was only half listening but found myself sitting at attention before she was done. Often Maggie's talker is just going on the the background and we don't catch things the first time around. I leaned forward to see if Steve had heard it. He heard it loud and clear. He was just sitting at the table smiling sort of sadly. He was very touched and told her so. She was very proud of herself and said it again and again. 

Obviously, Maggie did not enter that message. One of the adults int he class did it, but Maggie knew that she had a special message for her dad and delivered it perfectly. 

Yeah, she keeps us grounded and makes our hearts soar.

A surreal day

Thank you to everyone for the kind calls, comments, emails and everything else yesterday. It was a surreal day, as you can imagine.

To have someone you know die suddenly is always difficult. When that person's death has national and international significance it is mind boggling. A friend who lost her brother in law on 9/11 likened our experience to hers and I said, respectfully, that that situation was even more horrific than this. She said simply, "Horrifc is horrific. there is no more or less." She's right.

I am happy that every single report on Ambassador Stevens mentioned what a personable guy he was and how delighted he was to be in Libya. Both the United States and Libya lost a great man. And I do believe that Libyans are genuinely sad as well. Chris Stevens was very well liked by the people there and this fringe element, or sect, of band of outlaws or whatever they are, did not act and do not speak for the Libyans that Chris loved.

But his family is suffering the worst loss.  We were Chris' friends, not family. He had many many friends and I know all of them feel as we do, shocked, sad and lost. I cannot begin to imagine what his family is going through. My heart breaks for them.

To add to the surreal nature of the day, I was fielding calls from reporters looking for Steve and watching Steve on various television stations, listening to him on the radio and reading about him on the internet. He expressed reluctance to be interviewed at first, it was difficult thing for him to to, but he thought it was important to honor his friend, and I thought he did a spectacular job. That too was bizarre, though. Steve was taken to the Moscone Center to be interviewed by NBC. They were already there covering the release of the new IPhone 5. He had to wait for his interview to begin and felt like he had been dropped in another planet as he waited to tell the national news about his friend Chris Stevens but had to listen to people prattering on about the newest gadget.

I promise to return to our regularly scheduled programming because even as I was dealing with all of this yesterday, I was dealing with issues in Maggie's world and using every ounce of my wavering composure to keep from blowing my stack. I survived, because it was all just so so stupid, especially in light of the days events.

I do want to share this picture, because it gave me hope in the midst of a very hopeless day.

Peace on earth. Goodwill to men

Chris Stevens

A day off from Maggie's world today to address issues in the real world.

Our good friend Chris Stevens was the Ambassador to Libya and we are devastated at the news of his death in yesterdays attack on the Consulate in Benghazi.

Chris and Steve go back 35 years to their days at Cal Berkeley. He was a bright light, an extraordinary man doing extraordinary work. He had been in various countries in the Middle East throughout his long diplomatic career, but came "home" frequently to see his family. We were lucky that he always included a dinner at our house on these trips home. Here are he and Steve in my living room after one of those dinners.

It is hard to believe those won't happen again.

We last saw him at a reception his parents hosted in May before he left to fill his post as the newly appointed ambassador. He was humble, as always, and spoke of Libya in the most positive terms. He loved his work and did it very well. As I hugged him goodbye after that reception I said, "Take care of yourself, Chris and please be safe."

Hard to be safe in such a dangerous situation.

Rest in Peace Chris. It was an honor to know you.

Addendum: My husband has been interviewed by several News outlets as they attempt to portray the kind of man we lost today. I am extremely proud of my husband's abiltiy to honor his friend in such an articulate way despite his overwhelming grief.  The first of these interviews aired on San Francisco CBS5 this afternoon which you can see here: http://sanfrancisco.cbslocal.com/video/7716769-bay-area-remembers-u-s-ambassador-killed-in-libya/  Another interview will air on NBC's today show in the morning. Other friends are being interviewed around the country as well and I'm certain the chorus will be the same. A wonderful man, a tremendous national and personal loss.

Maggie's World Goes International

There will be a slight deviation from a Maggie centered post today so I can brag about a friend of ours.  Perhaps I will impose that rule whenever someone we know is appointed to an important federal/international position.

J. Christopher Stevens is a good friend of Steve's. They were roommates for a while at Cal Berkeley 30 years ago and have been friends ever since. He is a great guy and comes over for dinner whenever he is in the Bay Area visiting family. I took this picture of Steve and Chris in our living room last October.

We saw him again in January, but now it may be a while before we see him again. President Obama recently appointed him Ambassador to Libya. 

Chiris is a career diplomat and has served all over the Middle East for the past 20+ years. Most recently he was the special envoy to the opposition forces (now transitional government) in Libya during the revolution. He was in Benghazi throughout the fighting. The United States closed the Embassy in Libya, but Chris and others were there.

Studly.

Today is the Senate Confirmation hearing which I intend to watch on C-Span. Don't think me unpatriotic, but I have never before tuned in C-Span and I'm not even sure what channel it is. But I will be sitting there just before noon West Coast time, popcorn in hand to watch the hearings.

I'm very proud to know him and count him as a friend, even if it's only by marriage.