29 Hours

I went away. I took a break. I left Sunday morning around 11AM and returned just as Maggie was getting off her bus at 4:00PM Monday. She was very happy to see me. The other kids on the bus were excited to see me too. They were worried when I wasn’t there in the morning. A change in routine is not a welcome thing for the students on the special Ed bus.

I went away with my high school girlfriends. These women have been my friends for a very long time. One has been my best friend (BFF) since I was in the first grade. The other two since high school, but they also went to grammar school together. Actually, all of our parents knew each other, so we really go back even farther, but the friendships solidified in grammar school. This was not a reunion. It is a regular thing. We see each other a couple of times a year at least and are in touch by email or phone all the time. When you have been friends as long as we have, there are no secrets. You cannot put on airs or BS about anything. They knew me when, and I knew them. We sat in a cabin owned by the sister of one of my friends and ate junk food, drank alcohol and laughed our heads off. We did leave to go for a walk. At the very least, we had to see the River, which was about 50 yards from the house.

The three of them travel together regularly. Each of them has grown children and a lot more freedom than I do. I join in the travels when they stay close to home. Or, I join in for part. The last outing was an overnight in a hotel in Downtown SF. I could not leave Maggie overnight because I didn’t have nursing coverage in the morning. The Hubby is busy supporting the family and is not always available to be the nurse on a workday. So, I went to dinner and went home. It works out.

There are different limitations on me than on others. Do I wish that were different? Sure, sometimes. Am I sad about that? No. Not at all. Do I have to justify my life to others? ALL THE TIME. And I really do not see why.

Though they are dramatic and constant, the limitations on me are just as confining as, say, financial limitations are on another family. I bet no one would tell a single welfare mother that she needed a vacation in Hawaii. Unless they are prepared to give it to her, it would be a cruel thing to say. Obviously, she cannot afford that and it is not an option for her.

But I hear stuff like that all the time. Even a doctor told me that was what I needed. Did you have to go to medical school to figure that out? Of course I do. Who doesn’t? However, if it’s not an option, it’s not an option. Period.

No, I will not be coming to visit. I cannot get on a plane and leave. And bringing Maggie I not a realistic option. No. I will not be taking a trip to Europe, there are no vacations planned. Dinner out is a possibility if I can get someone here to help the nurse. No, I do not work outside the house because I am on call 24/7. Yes, that is frustrating after all my legal training, but that is just the way it is. We’ve come to grips with it. Why can’t everyone else?

My life is full. Very full. Maybe too full. It is stressful. It is complicated. It is scary sometimes. But guess what. It is also great. It is like a little secret among parents of disabled kids. We are members of a club that NO ONE wants to join and it’s pretty good. We get rewards that other parents don’t get.

We get to relish the little things, because there are no little things.

We get welcomed home after our mini vacation with a look of pure delight and we get the kids on the bus screaming hello because they missed us in the morning.

And sometimes we get a break. For 29 hours. And we come back refreshed and ready to do it all again 24 hours a day, 7 days a week until the next 29-hour break. Maybe next time it might even be with my husband.

A girl can dream.