Accepting Tolerance

I have been wrestling with something for over a week. Recently I heard a man thanking people for being tolerant of his disabled son. I was disappointed in his choice of words. I ‘m not really sure why. The people he was thanking were not merely tolerant of his son; they accepted, respected and loved him very much. It seemed like the word tolerant really sold them short.

Do not get me wrong. He meant it as a compliment and he was sincere in that offering. It was just so…..demeaning in a way. But why? I wondered what made me place such a sour interpretation on his intended kindness. This wondering sent me to the dictionary to try to figure out what was bugging me. I looked up the words “tolerate” and “acceptance” and learned something interesting. The difference in the words lies with the person doing the “tolerating” or “accepting”

The definition of “tolerate” is: to allow the existence, presence, practice, or act of without prohibition or hindrance; permit. To put up with
“Acceptance, on the other hand means: the act of taking or receiving something offered
favorable reception; approval; favor.

Tolerance is outward. It indicates superiority. I will “put up with” you. I will “allow” or “permit” your differences. The person tolerating has all the power in the relationship.

Acceptance, on the other hand is inward. One who accepts “receives” “approves” “favors”. The person is not giving anything, but receiving what is offered. It is not superior, but more humble. It suggests parity between the parties involved.

Tolerance is courteous. Acceptance is kind.

I accept your tolerance, but expect more. I offer courtesy to expect courtesy from friends and strangers alike. I presume people will tolerate my daughter’s differences but I expect a little more, particularly from people who know her or who know me. And she usually gets more. Even if folks do not completely understand her differences, they respect her as a person and accept her for who she is. For those who have reached the level of “acceptance” and even “love” calling them merely tolerant is not enough.

Admittedly, this is splitting hairs and I was probably the only one who felt uncomfortable with his choice of words. Nonetheless, I was happy to learn I was not just being mean spirited (which has been known to happen). There is a difference in the words. Now that I’ve thought about this more, this choice of words may have revealed more about the speaker than about those he was thanking.