Choose Wisely*

It seems there has been a lot of focus on the word “choice” in the past several years. It seems everyone uses that as an explanation or excuse for everything. “Well, you made that choice, now you have to live with the consequences.” (aka, you made your bed, now lie in it) Or, simply: “that’s your choice.”

In short we are saying to other: I respect your right to make a choice, even if I disagree with it.* But often it doesn’t sound like respect at all.

In my opinion, this is not an embracing philosophy, but often a way to distance yourself from another person. To suggest one deserves a situation because they chose it is often mean spirited and dismissive. It negates the effect of outside forces and fails to acknowledge that one’s circumstances may limit the amount of choices available. If circumstances leave you with three bad choices, choosing the least of three evils is the best thing you can do, even if it is still “evil”.

Don’t get me wrong. It is important to teach our children to make the right choices for their life and important for us to be responsible in our decision making. It is important to teach that actions have consequences; and we have to take care when we take action.

However, it is also important to teach that sometimes life throws you a curve. Sometimes all you can do is stand there and take your swings. Not everything is done by choice. Things happen. As the commercial says, “Life comes at you fast.” We have to have tools for that as well.

I certainly did not choose to have a disabled child, or to lead the life I’m leading – but I did choose to make the best of it. Making the best of it severely curtails choices in every other area of my life. I’m ok with that; often others are not. I guess that’s their choice. (was that dismissive? Maybe so.)

We have to recognize that people in different circumstances have different menus from which to choose. The circumstances don’t have to be as dramatic as mine. Financial, geographical, family, health, and many other concerns can have different effects on us. Those effects can be provide or limit opportunities and choices. It is important to remember that because when you do, you validate the person you are talking to and the life they lead. Not the life they chose, not the life you think they should have chosen, or that you would choose, but the life they lead.

Recently a friend told me how he admired my family and what we have done for Maggie. This generally makes me very uncomfortable. Maggie is my daughter and I care for her. It’s as simple as that. Her care is complicated, but being a mother is not. I thanked him and said, “well, that’s nice, but it’s not like we had a choice.” I’ve said that to many people and that usually stops things before they get mushy. But not this time. Not with this guy.

He looked me in the eye and said, “But you did have a choice and you made it a long time ago and I’ve seen many families who made the other choice.” It was understood that the “other choice” is to institutionalize your child or reject her outright. (He’s a doctor, so he has seen the other choice.) I had to think about that. Ours was never a conscious choice; it was instinct. We are parents and we have to care for our children. The concept that this is really a choice was foreign to me. It still is.

But my point is this: He took this concept of “Choice” and, rather than use it to distance himself from my situation, he put it in a positive light. He embraced the different circumstances of our lives and used them to tell me that he understood and appreciated me. I’m still not sure I agree that this was a choice, but I know this: the way he “chose” to say this was perhaps the greatest compliment I’ve received in my life.

* (I’m not talking about Pro-Choice or Pro-Life)