Now it's been 12 days.I feel like I am still standing there helplessly watching the paramedics but at the same time, it feels like a long ago bad dream.
So many kind folks have inquired how we are doing. The best answer is that we, or at least I, really don't know. There is a leaden feeling to every moment of every day. It is heavy and tiring. Maggie's room is right there filled with sunshine but it feels very dark. The cards we receive lift us up tremendously as we reconfirm how very very lucky we were to have Maggie. We talk about her and laugh and remember her antics with great joy.
I take great solace in the fact that I know Maggie had a great life. Not a great life despite her disabilities, mind you, but a great life. Today, that is enough to keep me moving forward. Whether it will be tomorrow or next week or next month, I cannot say. But for today it is enough.
Probably the best description I have is this.
I am in a boat on a river with no paddles. I am at the mercy of the river and the current. So far the ride has been relatively smooth; frightening but smooth. The scariest thing is knowing the water is moving and I have no control. I don't know where the rocks are or how far ahead lie the waterfalls. Maybe the current will deliver me safely to shore somewhere down river and maybe I just have to go over the falls - wherever they are and see what awaits me there.
Maggie would have loved the ride. That helps too.
And in keeping with our water theme, here she is wearing her life vest when we had to report for muster on our cruise in 2005. Not sure that vest would have done her much good.