Now it's been 12 days.I feel like I am still standing there helplessly watching the paramedics but at the same time, it feels like a long ago bad dream.
So many kind folks have inquired how we are doing. The best answer is that we, or at least I, really don't know. There is a leaden feeling to every moment of every day. It is heavy and tiring. Maggie's room is right there filled with sunshine but it feels very dark. The cards we receive lift us up tremendously as we reconfirm how very very lucky we were to have Maggie. We talk about her and laugh and remember her antics with great joy.
I take great solace in the fact that I know Maggie had a great life. Not a great life despite her disabilities, mind you, but a great life. Today, that is enough to keep me moving forward. Whether it will be tomorrow or next week or next month, I cannot say. But for today it is enough.
Probably the best description I have is this.
I am in a boat on a river with no paddles. I am at the mercy of the river and the current. So far the ride has been relatively smooth; frightening but smooth. The scariest thing is knowing the water is moving and I have no control. I don't know where the rocks are or how far ahead lie the waterfalls. Maybe the current will deliver me safely to shore somewhere down river and maybe I just have to go over the falls - wherever they are and see what awaits me there.
Maggie would have loved the ride. That helps too.
And in keeping with our water theme, here she is wearing her life vest when we had to report for muster on our cruise in 2005. Not sure that vest would have done her much good.
Oh, Sally. Your metaphor is so beautiful and terrifying. I am here, always, should you need to talk or remember or need another passenger to ride alongside you. I'll carry that sweet image of Maggie with me today --
ReplyDeleteJust so you know - it does change. Not easier as such, but you become more accustomed to the heaviness and the pain. You can begin to ignore it, first for seconds, then for minutes.
ReplyDeleteWhen it hits, you realise it's still been there. But it moves from acute to chronic. There in the background, and just as strong when it springs to the fore, but through familiarity, it doesn't take up the whole of your being.
One day, you'll wake up and not have that horrible, dreadful, sickening realisation as it hits you all over again. It will just be there. As reality.
It's unimaginably terrible. But somehow, you get used to the pain. And you don't drown under it any more.
Having read how you, your family, and Maggie, have lived the last twenty years, I'm sure you have the strength to face this. After all, what is the other option? Maggie would never forgive you for giving in.
We have learned how Maggie came into this world, and we have learned through you how Maggie lived. Did she go in peace?
ReplyDeleteYep - that's about it...your words along with Jenny's are so true. Both of our girls would never forgive us for giving in.
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