Thursday, March 13, 2014

Sounds of Silence

It will be four weeks on Saturday. How can that be? It seems like a moment. The numbness of the first week or so has given way to immense sadness. I miss Maggie. I have dreams in which I am searching for her and cannot find her. I feel sad all the time. Not crying and weeping, just sad.

I don't feel like I've accomplished much of anything in those 4 weeks. Oh, I've been plenty busy, but I couldn't really tell you what I've done. There are so so so many things that have to be done. I can think of about 10 ongoing projects that are all related to Maggie. I've started about 5 of them, but have completed zero.

There are so many supplies and equipment to deal with. I've been trying to find homes for a lot of stuff. If you know of anyone who needs medical equipment or supplies, let me know. There is the van, the walker, the bed, and so much more. I have ideas for some and will sell some other things, but I really do not want to throw stuff away. I did toss anything that had been used, but I have boxes and boxes of sterile supplies.  We have already donated some stuff to a non profit that has a clinic in Central America, but they couldn't use the more specialized things. In an excellent reminder of how lucky we are, the woman said to me,

"we are mostly sewing up machete wounds, we can't use the trach stuff.
 In fact, I'm not sure anyone in the entire country even has a trach."  

I can assure you there are plenty of people in any country who may need a trach, but without the ability to care for the patients, they don't get it and simply don't survive.

Maggie never would have had a chance if she wasn't born so close to excellent medical care. She would not have survived 24 hours in that Central American country or many others in the world. She would not have survived in many parts of the United States.   But she was lucky and she was born in a major city with a level three medical center close by. I can't imagine anyone reading this needs to be reminded, but I'm going to do it anyway. Maggie didn't just survive. She thrived.For close to 20 years, she laughed, she loved, she learned, she ruled the roost. She was the heart and soul of this family and she is missed every minute.

It is so so quiet in this house without her. I can hear the clock ticking and a dog barking somewhere in the neighbors back yard. The other day I listened to church bells from St. Ignatius. I could never hear those things because of the cacophony of sound to which we had grown accustomed. But now the suction machine isn't going, the nurse isn't laughing with Maggie, Maggie isn't bossing us around and the Maggie Mix isn't playing.

The silence is deafening.


  1. This breaks my heart. I send you love --

  2. I miss waking up and checking your blog in the morning. I miss getting my morning chuckle from some crazy thing Maggie had done. I miss discussing her with my girls. I think of you often and wonder how you are dealing with the hole in your life. I hope it gets easier for you and I hope you keep sharing with us....

  3. I can't know what it is like for you to share your personal, heart wrenching thoughts with us...I just know how much it means to me that you is as if you are somehow spreading out the pain, moving it, and it is so so sad and yet so so beautiful and I actually feel honored to read here, the church meaningful, so heart breaking,

  4. About donating complex medical supplies.....a possibility is, too, at their facebook page. This well-run (U.S.-based)organization, in Beijing, provides care for abandoned infants, toddlers and kids with severe, chronic, medical conditions. They can handle shipping from the US.

    Maggie was a gift. So many people were, because of her, changed for good. I can only begin to imagine what it feels like not to have that active, joyful presence in your life.


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