I know I haven't been around much. I have to be honest; these holidays are just kicking my butt. Every minute of every day is hard. We are just putting our heads down and powering through, because what else can we do?
I will be back writing and deciding what to do next. I feel I've been a bit selfish with this blog,using it for my own grief. But it has been an excellent outlet for me. I thank you all for listening.
Many years ago I marveled at Tom Hanks acting in the movie Castaway. It is the story of a modern day executive who lands alone on an island after a plane crash. He lives there for years and his only friend is a volleyball named Wilson - but because it's Tom Hanks you really love Wilson.
I completely identified with that movie. I thought it was a bit of an allegory for my own life with Maggie. I was on one trajectory as a working mom/lawyer and then Maggie came into our lives and I was suddenly marooned on this desert island. Of course I was never alone, I had my family and I always had Maggie, but it was so sudden and so completely different from anything I had known it felt very isolating. But I found a way to survive and to thrive, much like Tom Hanks character in Castaway. Like the movie, I eventually found my way back to a sense of "Normal" even though everything was different.
Still, way before I lost Maggie, it wasn't the time on the island that I related to so much in that movie as it was his speech at the end of the movie. He needs to attempt to return to a normal life, even though every thing changed while he was on the island. Everyone thought he was dead and continued on with their lives. His fiance has moved on and married another and he has to figure out how to return to a life that simply isn't there any more.
When Maggie was here with me, that speech related to tough medical times. So many times I said to myself, "the sun will rise" which was code for tomorrow things will be better. And they always were. Until they weren't. Now I find myself relating in a different way. I have to be patient. The sun will rise. And who knows that the tide will bring in.
I hesitate to post this clip because in the first part he talks about his earlier thoughts of suicide. I never once thought about that and never felt without hope. Ever. I can't find a shorter clip so I'm posting it with the understanding that this is NOT a cry for help; it's the second half of th clip that I love. I want to post it because I had a similar epiphany when Maggie was little. I knew somehow we had to push forward because better times lay ahead. And they did. And they do.
I'm so sad to have lost Maggie, but so glad she was on that island with me. .
And no I know what I have to do, I have to keep breathing. And wait to see what the tide will bring in.