Any mom knows how to sleep with one ear open. It's instinctual. You develop this skill with newborns and it never really subsides - because you need it again in their teenage years. I have a very finely tuned ability at this because I have never been out of crisis mode and Maggie never developed normal sleep patterns. I am up and halfway down the stairs at the slightest sound. Steve sleeps, generally unaware of the sound, my concern or my departure.
Last night was different, though. At 2:30AM the nurse was yelling for help and I heard NOTHING. I was in the deepest possible sleep. Steve, said almost in his sleep, "Sally I think Etoy is yelling for help. I was out of bed like a flash, but the house was quiet. I called, no answer. I thought Steve must be dreaming, but I went down to investigate. The lights were on and clearly something had just gone down. Maggie was white as a sheet with the oxygen turned all the way up. Etoy was pumped up on adrenaline. I was confused.
Maggie got into some strange position and her trach tube popped out. Then she started freaking out and flailing around so Etoy couldn't get it back in. She was screaming for help and I was sleeping through it. It is very difficult to handle Maggie when she's freaking out like that, She arches and flails and turns blue. It is not fun. She flops around like a fish and I swear one day she will flip herself right out of that bed. When you add in the need to get the trach tube replaced, it becomes nearly impossible. Etoy handled it. She didn't like it, but she did a great job.
We have a phone in Maggie's room that the nurses can use to call upstairs, but 99 times out of 100 I hear her calling anyway. Last night was the 1 in 100 time I don't hear. Things were happening so fast she couldn't step away to call on the phone. I turned the oxygen back down to its normal level and Maggie was OK. Everything was fine and I went back to bed, but I could not sleep.I've been awake since 2:30. It scared me that I didn't hear anything, and though I should have been there to assist, I am glad Etoy handled things on her own.
Maggie went to school this morning, no worse for the wear. Etoy is undoubtedly home in bed after a rough night. I am very tired but I am sitting here experiencing another maternal phenomenon: Guilt. .
Oh, I know I won't be able to dissuade you, but I will try. Do not feel guilty. These things happen, and chaos lurks around every corner, no matter how much we fool ourselves into thinking that we are in control. Jody G. recently told me that she's still in shock because the way Lu died was SO not what she had imagined, and she imagined it all the time.
ReplyDeleteI am glad that Maggie is safe and that you, her mother, are so finely attuned to her, the best you can be, the best in the world.