Wednesday, February 15, 2017

Three years

Today is the 3rd anniversary of Maggie's passing. It seems like yesterday. And it seems like forever.

I dreamt of her last night. I don't do that very often, and I do not know why that is. She is on my mind all the time. I miss her every minute of every day. That is not to say that I am sad every minute, but there is a sort of film over everything, a tinge of sadness, I suppose. Still, most of the time I think of her with joy and happiness. And then I miss her all over again.

Maggie was almost 20 when she died. Most 20 year olds are venturing out on their own, perhaps in college far away or working toward independence in other ways. Maggie was not working toward independence. That was never in the cards for her. I am not saying she wasn't brilliant and funny and entertaining, because she was. But she was dependent on others for everything. She was dependent on us, her family, for everything. And we were happy to provide it, because she gave us so much in return.  Her love and joy were boundless and being around her was invigorating and extremely entertaining.

 Since she's been gone, I have floundered. My career was sidetracked when Maggie was born but it doesn't just resume because she is gone.  After 20 years, one doesn't just pick up where one left off.  I was not the same person that stepped off that track 20 years earlier, no one is after that amount of time. Further, there isn't really a comparison to my situation and others. It wasn't just a "mommy track" and it is not just the passage of time that changed me. My world changed. Maggie changed me. Maggie gave me purpose. I knew who I was and what I had to do when I was Maggie's mom. I don't have that anymore.

I miss her and I miss my clear sense of purpose as well.

I haven't lost myself, only the clarity of purpose. I do all the same things I did when Maggie was here, but Maggie was the center of my life and of this family. I am still a wife and my husband is a wonderful man who misses Maggie as much as I do. I am still a mother. My boys are grown now and establishing themselves in the world just as they are supposed to do. They don't and shouldn't need me. They somehow try to carry on with Maggie in their hearts. I am still a lawyer and work from home on a variety of interesting topics. I still volunteer. I still walk the dog. I still live my life. But I do it without that center and it often feels hollow.

I will find clarity of purpose again. I know I will. Everything I do now I do to honor Maggie and I am finding that helps me feel centered. Maggie doesn't need me anymore but the issues she faced remain front and center in my life. I fret about the Maggie's of this world in the shifting winds of the new America. As much as I miss her, I find myself relieved that I don't have to worry about her in this rapidly changing climate.

So, I start year 4 with a resolve to find my center again. Maggie made it easy. Without Maggie it will be harder, but I will use her to assist me. That can only help.