Someone to watch over me

The best thing about changing from Daylight Savings back to Standard time is hopping out of bed in the morning. It's light and still early. I feel like I can attack the day head on.  No alarm clock is necessary because it already feels decadently late after all those dark mornings before the time changed.  Between the new dog and the bright mornings I have done more before 8AM this week than I have in months.

This morning that changed just a bit. Georgie started barking at something around 5:15. Steve got up to investigate and I went back to sleep. I realized Steve had been gone for a while and started to worry. (Not enough to get up, mind you, but enough not to sleep.)  I heard him come back up the stairs and asked what was up. He said, "Nothing as far as I can tell, I think she heard the coffee pot go on."  I responded, "well then she is really going to keep us safe."

I tried to settle back to sleep when I found myself wondering why the coffee pot would go on so early, but decided I forgot to set the clock back on the coffee maker and it started at 5:15 instead of 6:15.  I debated whether I should get up to get that first cup from the fresh pot deliciousness, but figured it would still be pretty good in an hour. But going back to sleep was not in the cards just yet.

The dog came back upstairs clinking her over sized dog tag they gave us at the rescue. She wandered into the room and then out and back down the stairs. She repeated this several times, finally coming over to my side. I realized she was looking for Steve. He had opened the back door for her and then returned upstairs while she was outside. I told her everything was OK and to go lay down, but she was getting frantic so I told Steve to say something. As soon as he said, "I'm right here Georgie," she went over to her bed and went back to sleep. I started laughing and said to Steve we've really got someone watching over us now.

Again I toyed with the idea of just getting up, but didn't. I grabbed the ipad and started to play words with friends, but I fell asleep with my glasses on and the ipad wide opened on my bed.  The next thing I knew Steve's alarm went off at 6:45. It scared the bejesus out of me. I never wake up to an alarm because my internal clock is so set, but the hijinx of the early morning knocked me off my game.

My first reaction was panic because I thought I had to get Maggie all ready for the bus and I was late. (And that's the first time that has happened.) That turned to a bit of sadness as reality set in. No bus was coming. Strangely, though, the sadness was mixed with a bit of relief that I wasn't late for anything - except my perfect cup of coffee.

I always have a piping hot cup the second the pot is ready because I am always up. Generally I don't have it together to make it the night before and set the timer, so I wait (impatiently) for the pot to finish and pour a cup the moment it's ready. Today I got up and had that cup of coffee that had now been sitting for almost 90 minutes. It was OK but not the same.   Nothing is the same.

As I drank my coffee this morning and missed my girl,  I ruminated over the events of the past few hours. I thought OK, that was a weird chain of events. We still had a version of morning madness, but completely different from those with Maggie.

I missed the craziness of my mornings with Maggie and the relief I felt as the bus pulled away and the day was mine. I loved how quiet the house was when I went back inside after the bus left, but I hate that same quietness now.

Then I had to smile a little because our house was anything but quiet this morning. The ruckus was different from before, but there was indeed ruckus. Apparently the coffee pot makes enough noise to bother the dog who made plenty of noise for us and then patrolled non stop until he found Steve. We are safe and protected by this sweet animal. Maggie is watching over us from above and Georgie is taking care of the house.

As nice as that is, I'm still going to reset the clock on the coffee pot. One morning like that is enough.

Little changes, big memories

 Obviously there have been major changes in my life since Maggie passed away 5 months ago. I am still adjusting to all of them and suspect I will be in one manner or another for the rest of my life. After caring for someone 24/7 for 20 years, it’s difficult to simply switch gears.  Caring for Maggie and/or managing her care is what I did, it’s who I was. Now I have to define myself differently and figure out where I fit in a world without her. It’s difficult and I am still floating down the river waiting to see where it takes me. Sooner or later I’m going to have to start kicking toward some shore, but I haven't figured out where to land. 

The big changes are easier to keep at Bay because people understand those. Everyone gets that losing a child is a life altering event. Perhaps what people don’t understand are the thousands of little changes that we face every day. These are like painful little reminders of the loss and the big changes. The little ones are more personal - not in a private kind of way, but more individual.  I might be the only one that notices them. Steve, Eddie and Tim undoubtedly have to deal with these too, but the little things are not always the same for all of us. If we are together and something hits us there are small smiles – and maybe a few tears - exchanged. But generally moments are experienced when we are alone and they are very personal to each individual. A song on the radio can be paralyzing, coming across one of her scarves in a bag is like finding a treasure (and I have 100 of them.)

This weekend it was the soap in the bathroom. I washed my hands in there and had to really pump the soap dispenser to get any soap on my hand. I thought “ok, time for a new soap in here.” Mundane and uneventful. And then I stopped. That is the first time I’ve had to change the soap bottle in Maggie’s bathroom since she passed away.  I used to refill it at least every other day and sometimes daily.

I bought those giant soap refill bottles at Costco - like 6 or 8 at a time. That would last me about a month to six weeks. Between all the nurses’ hand washing, and equipment cleaning and Maggie’s bed baths, that tiny sink in Maggie’s bathroom was going nonstop 24 hours a day and the soap would just disappear.

Now that bathroom is used much less.   Much less.  I changed that soap on February 15, the day she passed away and didn’t have to change it again until July 11. That’s about 150 days, or 75-90 refills I haven’t made.  

 Believe me I never minded using all that soap. Cleanliness was a key to keeping Maggie healthy. One of the nurses was a little unclear on this.  No matter how many times I begged her not to, she often filled the soap dispenser with water in an attempt to stretch out the usable soap.  That was aggravating; I would get a squirtful of bubbly water and have to stop mid hand washing to fill the dispenser with actual soap.

 That aggravation is gone now.  The nurses are gone, the tubes are gone and Maggie is gone. 

A small change in the amount of soap we use triggered that entire line of thought, all as I stood there drying my hands.

 It’s no wonder the big changes are taking longer. The little changes can be exhausting.

Changes big and small

There have been so many changes n my life in the past few months since we lost Maggie. Everything changed. Everything.  The biggest change is , of course, losing her. That's the one everyone is concerned with and rightfully so. It outweighs all the others 100 fold. But there are other things, dozens of them, some big and some small  and each little change is a constant reminder of the big change. .

Some of the biggest changes are noise and schedule. My house was a hotbed of activity when Maggie was here.There were nurses coming and going, oxygen deliveries, diaper and food deliveries, socal workers, teachers bus drivers and any number of other people we would see on any given day. All of that is gone now and the house is very quiet.  The change to my schedule is huge. Before I was like a tether ball. I could not go very far and had to get things down in a very tight time frame so I could get back here to help with Maggie. Now I can go whenever and wherever I want,  and for now all I want to do is stay home. Ironic, I know.

There are a million little changes too. I just came across two of them. Garbage and laundry.

Today is Friday which means today is garbage day. I just went downstairs to put the now empty garbage and recycling cans back in their place and marveled at the changes. It used to be we had so much garbage we had a double sized can that was constantly overflowing and we received nasty notes from the garbage company and/or city nearly every week. A couple of weeks ago I had to call the garbage company and request a smaller can because we have about one bag a week instead of the 20 we used to have. I just stood there looking at that little empty black can that was just as empty before they arrived as it was afterward.

Now--------------->>>>>>>

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As I walked way from the garbage I headed into the laundry room. It's a force of habit. Maggie generated 2 to 3 loads of laundry a day so I made it a habit to throw a load in whenever I was downstairs. We needed the machine to be going constantly to keep up  Now, I have one or two loads a week, about a 90% cut. . When I entered the laundry room today, there really wasn't anything to wash.

Having less garbage and laundry isn't a bad thing, of course, It's just two examples of changes in my life that leave me scratching my head and wondering what to do with all the time that I suddenly have. 

Happy New Year

I cannot believe this year is over. And what a year it has been. The country changed: the economy collapsed and we made a historic choice electing our new president. My household changed too.

With both boys away at school, the dynamic of the household changed. Poor Maggie stuck here with just her old parents. It took us a while to get into a new rhythm, and we are still tweaking it. Just as we seem to achieve it, they come back and we start over again. Maybe that is the rhythm.

Maggie’s overall health changed too. My love/hate relationship with her trach continues. It is very difficult to maintain her trach and I am tethered to her by the length of a suction cord; but the proper care keeps her healthier. Yes, she has been on antibiotics for 6 weeks now, but we can handle it here.

Maggie is almost 15 and 2008 is the only year of Maggie’s life that she stayed out of the hospital. She has had healthy years in the past but has never gone an entire year out of the hospital. In 2007, Maggie was an inpatient for at least 60 days. In 2008 – zero. That is remarkable. We had lots of outpatient stuff, but that doesn’t count. She slept in her own bed every single night of 2008.

The nursing situation changed as well. More responsibility falls on my shoulders. I have to find, hire and fire the nurses that care for Maggie. I have to pay them myself and then seek reimbursement from the state. It is a ton more work, but we have had much more reliable shift coverage since then. Her nurses love her and take good care of her.

In addition, in 2008 I started writing this. It is very cathartic for me. I have *met* so many new people because of this and I appreciate all the support and feedback I get from all of you.
Happy New Year everyone.