So much lost.....

Imagine being 21 and far from home for a summer of adventure. It is your opportunity to cut loose, away from you parents and work and have fun before going home and "settling down" to a job or a graduate program or whatever.  Who wouldn't want to do that?

Imagine, then when it all turns tragic in a horrific accident. That's what happened in Berkeley this week when 13 Irish students fell four stories when the balcony they were on gave way. Six were killed and seven more badly hurt.  Oh how my heart breaks not only for the students but for their friends and families who are left to deal with the aftermath of this calamity.

I know what it's like to lose a vibrant young adult suddenly, though I doubt anyone would equate Maggie's medical circumstance with the horror of that balcony collapsing. They are different circumstances, certainly, but the result for each of the families is not. They have each lost a vibrant young life that was just coming into its own; or, in the case of the injured, now have a very different life than they thought they would. Each has my complete sympathy and prayers.

For reasons clear only to the reporter, the New York Times decided to take a rather low road and blame the victims. and more specifically, the J-1 visa program that allowed them to come here to work for the summer, calling it an "embarrassment to Ireland" - a comment to which the  Irish government takes great exception  (Here's the article.)

Wow. Really? All those kids did was go to a 21st birthday party.

They were partying.
They were Irish.
So It must be their fault.

It's a tired and unfair stereotype.

Presumably if it wasn't Irish students on that balcony it would have been an entire family, or a group of kids from another country. Then who do you blame? The balcony didn't hold as it was supposed to. I don't know why, but it certainly wasn't the fault of those kids and blaming them or their program is patently unfair.

That is a cheap shot for sure and just beneath the dignity of the New York Times. It's akin to the trolls who leave mean spirited comments on the Internet hiding behind their anonymity.  The paper is under attack for this and has already issued a half hearted apology, but the whole thing is really foul.

The J-1 visa program is a wonderful thing. It allows students to experience a few months or a year or whatever amount of time in the US and allows them to work and see what it's really like to be here. It is legal and not really costing us anything. These students arrive, pay rent, get jobs, spend money, have fun and go home. It's a win win win. Why would that come under attack?

In 1984 I was clerking in a law firm for the Summer and two lads arrived from Ireland through that same J-1 visa program. They worked with me at the same firm. It was easily the most enjoyable three months that I spent as a lawyer or law clerk. Did we work hard? Certainly. Did we have fun? Why yes we did! We were young and had a good summer job and fortunately no one judged us by any of our wild activities that summer.

That was 31 years ago and I am still connected to both of them today. They went back to Ireland and "settled down" just as they were supposed to. They took the great experience of that summer and went back, grew up and lived their lives.   They are now a judge and a captain of industry. So they done good. One of them eventually moved to the US and raised his family here.We stayed with the other while in Ireland last year and he designed our fantastic trip through the West of Ireland. They are my life long friends and I never would have met either of them without that program.

I know of at least thirteen young travelers who won't get that chance because that balcony broke. That's sad for them, their families, and their friends who weren't physically hurt but are affected by this tragedy. And it's sad for the connections they would have made here in the Bay Area. It's been a great 31 years for me and I'm sorry for those who will miss out on that.

Checking in from Galway

We are having a fantastic trip. It has been bittersweet indeed, though. I am

Drawn to things Maggie would love and then stop myself  In Killarney I started to cry when the lovely innkeeper asked about my children. (Poor guy). 

There are signs of Maggie everywhere. We were lost  and asked two women for directions. It wasn't until we got Close that we realized they were taking a young disabled man for a walk in his wheelchair.  What are the odds of that?

And then today we were in a 500 year old church in Galway. We walked down the ramp out of habit

When we got to the bottom we read the white plaque visible above 

It made me cry again. But I decided it was a sign that Maggie is ok out there and among friends - Even some named Maggie. 

Here's to all the young Maggie's out there watching over us all. 

We will be back on Friday. 

Earthquakes and Ireland

Traveling has not been part of our life for many years.

We did a little when Maggie was young and easily transportable. She didn't have a trach yet and she was light as a feather.  In 1998, 16 years ago, we took two trips. We went to Philadelphia and Washington DC in the spring and in the summer of that year she was the flower girl in her cousin Kelly's wedding in Montana.

 The year before that Maggie and I also took an incredible trip to Lourdes France with the Knights of Malta when she was three. Steve  and the boys stayed home. That trip had about 50 doctors and nurses so we felt pretty safe. As her care became more complicated all of that stopped. Even our annual week at Lake Almanor came to an end. That was fine, because that's what we had to do.

Steve and I never got away together until two years ago when we went to New York for four glorious days. It took me months to get the approval for additional nursing time, staff the nurses and create a safety net in case someone couldn't show up. Maybe three months of arranging logistics for four days off. Almost not worth it. Almost.

In January of this year - a month before we lost Maggie - Steve said, "Let's go to Ireland." I smiled and said great idea but inside I knew it would never happen. There was no way I could make the arrangements for a longer trip and I would not be comfortable being out of the country and unable to get back to her easily in an emergency.

Then February happened and Maggie was gone. The logistics that ran my life were suddenly not an issue. We were floundering and sad and needed something to look forward to, so I reminded Steve about his desire to go to Ireland and we decided to do it. Since then the only bright spot has been the  mystical trip in our future. It was so far off, we thought it would never get here.

But that day has arrived. Tim will stay in the house and take care of things at this end. We leave this afternoon and have a fantastic trip planned.  And while I am excited and nervous, and even painted my toenails bright green, I find myself a bit conflicted, guilty and a little melancholy. I would give anything to be complaining that I am stuck here and cannot travel, but that's not true anymore. It's confusing.

Then this morning there was a major earthquake that woke me at 3:20 AM and I never went back to sleep. I figured that was a sign: Steve and I are taking our first ever international trip together and the earth moved. Selfishly, my first thought was "God, I hope the airport stays open." That told me I really was psychologically and emotionally ready to go.

I grabbed one of Maggie's scarves and put it in my bag; in fact I picked a green one so I can bring my little leprechaun with me.

I will check in from the Emerald Isle. 

My thoughts and prayers are with those in Napa and Vallejo and other areas who were injured and/or suffered property damage in this earthquake.

I'll think about that tomorrow.

It is six months since we lost Maggie. It sees like yesterday and it seems like forever. We have been floating along trying to keep our heads above water. This takes a lot of effort and many other things in the business of life have necessarily taken a back seat. There are some major decisions to be made, and I for one am purposefully not making them yet. Yes, our way of handling these major decisions has been to deliberately delay them.

Right after Maggie passed away, we decided to take a trip. We really couldn't travel with Maggie and taking even a couple of days required extraordinary effort to get all Maggie's care and supplies in place. An extended trip was out of the question.  Now it isn't and we are going to Ireland. 

Obviously the trip is exciting and looking forward to it and planning it has been a great distraction. We've had the airline tickets for months and with the help of our friend Colm, we have a great itinerary planned. The trip has been more than that, though. It has been a distant point in the future after which we will make decisions.  

The mantra in this house has been, "We'll decide when we return from Ireland."  This is our own version of Scarlet O'Hara saying "I won't think about that today, I'll think about that tomorrow."

Unlike Scarlet and Rhett, however, Steve and I live in the real world and decisions can't be put off forever. 

The trip to Ireland looms and my excitement is tempered somewhat by the realization that Going on the trip means we are closer to returning from the trip and making decisions. I finally said to Steve, we need to realize that the universe isn't just going to open up and provide answers for us the moment we get back in the USA. Perhaps that's just another delay tactic. 

One such decision is what to do with myself. I worked 24/7 taking care of or managing Maggie's care for nearly 20 years. Not having that constant responsibility takes a lot of getting used to.  I'm not used to it yet, and probably never will be, but I have to fill up my days in a way that make sense to me and maybe does a little good in the world; and for the first time in a long time, I want to get paid to do it. I need a job that will interest me, and allow me to use my talents and the knowledge I gained being part of Maggie's World. I think about it, I have some ideas. I talk to people about it, but I am waiting to move forward That is a huge decision at any time, but particularly after/during such an emotionally wrenching time. I'll figure it out when we return from Ireland. 

There are other major decisions as well. I sold the van and haven't replaced it yet. I don't drive that much and have been borrowing my father in laws car when I need one. Getting a car and the type will depend on what I decide to do. I've considered just going without and using Uber around town, but I don't think I'm quite cool enough for that; and I don't want to be the one someone always has to come and pick up. There are days Steve doesn't need his car, but we never know when. We really need 1.5 cars, not 2; but it's hard to find the .5 vehicles these days. Maybe they sell them in Ireland. 

And, of course, there's the matter of this house being dogless. Should we get another dog? What kind? An Irish wolfhound?  All of these decisions are interrelated in some ways. Should we get a dog if I'm going to be working outside of the house full time? Will my working require a car? should we get a car that works with a dog? etc. Will the dog fit in a .5 vehicle?

I'm sure all of these things will fall into place in their own way; but we both want to stop floating and start grabbing ahold of life again.  There is still a little time left to enjoy the delay and we have to not worry about these things so we can enjoy the trip.

So, channelling Miss Scarlett, I won't think about it today, I'll think about it tomorrow.