Goodbye to Mickey

We went to lunch a couple of Saturdays ago with Steve’s dad, brother and sister in law. We went to an old time haunt that was packed with people.  We maneuvered our way back through the narrow restaurant with my father in law in his wheelchair. As we passed one table I spied my cousin Mike and greeted him. We had to keep moving because we were blocking traffic, but once we were settled I went back to say a proper hello and visit with Mike and his wife. We were laughing in no time.

Running into cousins is not something that happens every day, but it’s not that unusual for me either. I am one of 31 cousins on my mother’s side (none on my dad’s side) and many of my generation are still in the Bay Area.   We all tend to frequent similar restaurants or events and happen upon each other occasionally. It’s always a pleasure.  One family of cousins are based out of Seattle. When Steve and I were there last year, I made a point to connect with a couple of them. We have shared family and different takes on family stories which are very entertaining.

My generation of cousins is spread out over about 20 years, and the spread in each family isn’t much less. Each of my mom’s siblings had 5, 6 or 7 kids so, except for the very oldest and very youngest cousins, we always had someone around our age in every house.  It was always a blast when we went to a cousin’s house or they came to ours. Christmas at Grandpa Casey's house was epic.

When you’re a kid your cousins are your first friends aside from siblings. The parents hang out together and the kids naturally did too. That close connection changes over the years as you enter high school and have your own “crowd.” Then older siblings start to marry and getting together with your immediate family become harder so cousins take a back seat. Once the next generation comes along the definition of “immediate family” shifts to include your spouse and kids, so your siblings take a step back, relegating cousins back yet another tier. It’s really an ever widening circle.

Other than the chance encounter described above, as we got older and started marrying off, the cousins generally saw each other only at weddings and funerals. As the family expanded into the next generation, even the weddings went by the wayside. (If we were all included in every wedding, there would be nothing but family at weddings. Potential in laws would run away.) That leaves us with funerals. And we always show up for those.  Sadly, they happen fairly regularly.  In the last two years we have lost one in each generation, my Aunt Rita, my cousin John and my daughter Maggie.

And now there’s another.

My cousin Mickey died last night. She was only a few years older than I and far too young to die. She had ALS and had been declining over the past several months. I suppose that means this wasn’t a surprise, but I still feel shocked that she’s gone. And so very very sad. 

Mickey was just about the nicest person you’ve ever met. Whatever challenges life threw at her – and it did not hold back – she met with grace and kindness. Her son Bobby had special needs and Mickey was a voice of reason and reassurance when Maggie was little. Bobby died suddenly a few years ago and of course Mickey had the most poignant and understanding things to say when I lost Maggie.   

When she was diagnosed with ALS she said she finally understood why Bobby had to die first because he could not have handled seeing her so ill.  Not “why me” or “this sucks” which would have been understandable; instead it was the same grace she always showed.

I went to visit her a few months ago along with my friend Nonie who has known her for years. We had a great visit. Her sister Geri was there as was her daughter Marie, baby granddaughter Clare and boyfriend Joe. Mickey was difficult to understand because her speech was effected by the ALS, but her spirit was strong. We laughed and laughed through the lunch. Her motto was "have fun every day" and we did so that day. As we were getting ready to leave, Mickey had us all sing along to the song “I Hope You Dance” which had become something of an anthem to her. (see words below). Geri and Marie were used to it and handled it beautifully. Nonie and I were more emotional.

I felt like I was betraying Mick by being sad. She wasn’t sad, she was living every minute of her life and encouraging others to do the same.  I wanted to be like her because she was so amazing, but the reality of the situation was difficult to bear. 

Instead of admitting to that, I lied. I told them that the song made me think of Maggie. It didn’t really, but that made my tearing up more acceptable. I felt terrible as Marie reached out to comfort me. Right then, though it was more important to me to try to adopt Mickey’s outlook than admit to my own sadness.  I’m not sure I fooled anyone, but that lie got me through those tough minutes.  (By the way, I’m sure Maggie was ok with that and I know Mickey would be. I would likely do it all over again if I had to – but I hope I don’t have to.)

I am blessed to be a part of such an enormous family and as sad as the occasion is, I will be happy to see many of them at the funeral. But I will miss Mickey and her quiet grace. I will miss her encouragement and the way we understood each other as only parents in our situation can.   

Rest well, Mickey. And thank you. 

I hope you are dancing again.

"I Hope You Dance"   by Lee Ann Womack

I hope you never lose your sense of wonder,
You get your fill to eat but always keep that hunger,
May you never take one single breath for granted,
GOD forbid love ever leave you empty handed,
I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean,
Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens,
Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance,
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance.

I hope you dance....I hope you dance.

I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance,
Never settle for the path of least resistance
Livin' might mean takin' chances but they're worth takin',
Lovin' might be a mistake but it's worth makin',
Don't let some hell bent heart leave you bitter,
When you come close to sellin' out reconsider,
Give the heavens above more than just a passing glance,
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance.

I hope you dance....I hope you dance.
I hope you dance....I hope you dance.

Family

There are so many advantages to being part of a large family. Growing up one of seven kids with dozens of cousins was a blast. When I married Steve I added his siblings and large extended family. Now that we are middle aged (eek!), I get the added bonus of a gaggle of nieces and nephews. There are even a few in the next generation.

There is a down side, though. We attend a lot of funerals. In the past five years we've lost my dad and Steve's mom as well as three uncles and three aunts between us. I won't even get into losses for the extended family. All of these individuals lived wonderful lives, and most were over 80 years old, but a couple were shortchanged by 10 years or more.  That still hurts.

Today I'm going to the funeral for Steve's Uncle Tony, a very kind man who was devoted to his church and his family. There was a service last night as well. Though it's sad to lose another family member, I found great comfort seeing many of Steve's cousins and their families there. Family comes together at times like these and you can feel the support in the room for Tony's wife Pat, and his kids and grandkids. You can't help but smile.

Last year my brother spoke at my aunt's funeral. I have to admit I tuned out at first, thinking about a million different things as he spoke because I was the person in charge of the funeral. I heard him listing various family members sitting around a table bantering back and forth. I started to pay closer attention because I noticed he left out my mother and her brother Jack, who were both present in the church at the time. I hoped he would correct himself, but I slowly realized he was talking about all those who had passed away. The image of all those family members from  the two generations before me hanging out together in Heaven was wonderful and has stayed with me since that time.

Whatever you believe about the afterlife or God or anything else is entirely up to you. If there is something that comforts you, that's great.  Right now it gives me comfort to think about Tony reunited with parents his two sisters and brother who went before him as well as his first wife who died as a very young woman. I hope they are enjoying a nice Portuguese feast.

I also hope there is no more room at that table for awhile.