Queries from Strangers Part IV

I’ve written a few entries about stupid things people say to me regarding Maggie and her disabilities. (check the label/tag “stupidity” to see the previous three posts about this.) This is probably the last one of these for a while. As noted, sometimes I have snappy comebacks and sometimes I don’t. That depends on several factors, including my mood, my relationship with the person speaking, how insulting they are etc.


The comments happen frequently but not constantly. They are tiresome, unless they come from children. I always answers questions or even invite comments from kids because the only way kids learn is by asking. The same is true of adults, of course, but adults get points off for boorish behavior. Often the answer should be, “it’s none of your business. “ but the last thing Maggie needs in this world is a mother who alienates people. She is isolated enough.


There were a couple of instances that demanded a stronger reaction.


Maggie was a funny looking baby, I admit that. Her head was huge, she wore these (cute) pink plastic glasses and was always sort of draped over my arms. People often stared and then caught themselves and stopped right away. Sometimes they didn’t stop and it made everyone uncomfortable.


In one instance a woman’s incessant staring was frightening the boys, who were about 5 and 7 years old at the time. We were in Toys R Us. I tried to ignore her and told the boys to do the same but she was cranking her head and staring at Maggie mouth agape. Her husband was trying to get her to stop as he could see that the boys were worried. I will never know what her story was and to this day I wonder if she lost a child or something.


But you know what? No matter what your story, you cannot scare my kids. I finally walked up to her and said. “We are done in this aisle, but if you want to continue to stare we will be over in action figures.”


Needless to say that stopped her cold. The boys were relieved and learned that sometimes you have to school people a little bit. They still stare back at people and make them realize what they are doing. That day they managed to parlay the whole scene into (another) Ninja Turtle or whatever the action figure du jour was.


The other was, without a doubt, the most insulting thing anyone ever said to me. But it was so ludicrous that it was almost funny. We were in the dog park and I noticed my benchmate, an older Russian woman, staring at Maggie. I ignored her and simply enjoyed being out in the air watching the dog frolic. After several minutes the woman, who spoke with a very strong Russian accent said “Vats wrong wid her?” I gave my stock answer,” nothing’s ‘wrong.’ This is how she was born.” I studiously ignored her continued stares, but I knew something else was coming. She tapped my leg and waited until I looked at her. She then pointed a bony finger in my face and said”


“No more bebies, pleeece”


Looking back now I get that she was trying to give me a lesson in genetics, but didn’t have the command of the language. That would still be terribly offensive, but the way it came out was incredible. A complete stranger in the dog park was wagging her finger in my face and telling me not to breed again. I was dumbstruck for a moment, which is a rare occurrence for me. The absurdity of the whole thing hit me and the only thing to do was respond in an equally absurd way. I just looked at her and said. “You know I was going to but since you don’t think I should, I will tell my husband -- no more kids.”


My sarcasm was completely lost on this woman. She just looked back at the dogs and said “Ya, dat iz goot”

Now it was my turn to stare.

Zoo Landing

Maggie finally had a real outing yesterday. There was no making games out of chores, running errands or any such thing. We met Nurse Janice and her twins at the zoo. Maggie and I had a great time. The twins are two and were very sweet and entertaining. When the lion was sleeping, they just yelled GET UP. To their delight, it did.

The highlight was the feeding of the grizzly bears. We just happened to arrive at the exhibit at the perfect time. I noticed a woman placing things around the very large open space in the exhibit and said, I would not want her job. (The grizzlies were in an adjoining display and could not get to this woman.) Of course, she was putting food around and the bears find it, simulating a natural experience. The visitors stand in front of a glassed in viewing area to watch. There is a large pond in the display, one side of which is against the glass. Hence, the visitors can see under the water as well as above it.

As we arrived, I heard some children delighting in the fish swimming in the pond and overheard one docent say quietly to the other, “don’t get attached to that fish, kid.” I knew what was coming. The grizzlies came running in, started bounding around the edge of the pond and then SPLASH, in she went and grabbed that fish in her mouth. It was something to see. My adrenaline was pumping, but the kids seemed unfazed by the whole thing. They had their noses pressed up against the glass. The grizzlies were so focused on their food, nothing else mattered. It rather reminded me of dinner at our house when the boys were young teenagers.

Maggie loved it. She was cracking up the whole time. The footplate fell off her wheelchair somewhere around the penguins and she thought that was hilarious. The kids at the zoo were ignoring the animals and staring at Maggie. She did not care and neither did I. Their mothers did. I kept seeing moms scolding their kids after we walked away. I just leaned down and said to Maggie “Ooooh. He’s in truuuuuubbble.” We laughed our heads off.

All this fun was at a bargain price to boot. I think the price of the zoo was $25.50, $12 for me and $5.50 for Maggie (more if you are not a resident of San Francisco). In addition, there was an $8 parking fee. I gave the woman my credit card and she said, “Are you sure you want to charge it, it’s only $5.50.” Perplexed I said, “$5.50 TOTAL?” “Yes. She needs a companion/caregiver and there’s no charge for you and parking is free for the disabled.” Say whaaaa? Deal of the century, I do not mind telling you. I said, “Mag, I just hang out with you and stuff happens for me.”

She grinned – but I think she wants the extra $20.

Today is Valentine's Day. We don't do much on this day except enjoy each other, which is perfect for me. Right now both Steve and Maggie are sound asleep. It's quiet and no one needs anything. That's enjoyable too.

My sister invited us to dinner tonight with her family, my mom, another sister and her father in law. That will be 10 if we go. I said yes but now I'm having second thoughts about taking Maggie out. I'll decide later today. There just so much involved in taking her out. I don't mean the physical effort it takes - that's always present, but manageable. It's the spectacle of it all. Sometimes I just don't want to deal with the stares of others. I really just ignore people, but it does take some emotional preparation that I'm not sure I can muster today. Pretending you don't notice takes effort.

Of course Maggie would have a GREAT time, so maybe that should be the deciding factor.

And I don't have to cook.

We'll probably go.

I wish everyone a Happy Valentine's Day. I hope everyone gets a minute to think of someone they love.