Back in the hunt

As many of you know, I left my position as a parent Liaison at UCSF Benioff Childrens' Hospital. As much as I loved that job, it just isn't enough for me anymore. It is limited in scope and hours and I need more of both.  It was perfect when I had the time constraints of Maggie's care and wonderful to ease my way back into the world after Maggie passed away, but now I am ready for more than that job can offer. Hence I find myself in the job market.

It is a strange place to be at my age and given my breadth of experience. I have always worked but have not looked for a job in nearly 25 years. Things just sort of fell into my lap both as a lawyer and in Maggie's World wearing any number of hats.

To be honest, it is exhilarating to be out in the hunt once again, though I do find myself wishing I was 20 years younger and didn't have to explain why I'm in the job market now. I really do not want to share the story of Maggie's life and death with folks in a job interview, but it is pretty much required in order to explain the various experiences I list on my resume. Don't get me wrong, those experience prepare me for any number of positions, and I am extremely proud of all of them, just as I am proud of my time with Maggie. It's just that it is not easy to sit in an interview and talk about it. And I doubt it ever will be.

I am being a bit circumspect about the jobs I seek. I am looking for something that will really allow me to use what Maggie taught me.  My focus has been in the non-profit world, but I wouldn't rule out something legal if it was a fit. I expected this hunt to take several months, especially since I am being so picky about where I apply; but I've already had a few interviews and feel like something will break soon.

Of course I haven't cut ties with UCSF either. It feels like a home to me and I would work there in a second if a job were the right fit. In fact today I am heading there in my role as facilitator of a group for parents who have kids admitted to the hospital.  This is the only group that I am aware of that is facilitated by a parent for parents of hospitalized children. It is a great idea because parents can connect with other parents and speak freely.  I hope this program can grow because the need is huge. The group is offered through Support for Families, a family resource agency in San Francisco with whom I have been affiliated since Maggie was born in 1994. It is great that the hospital and the family resource agency are working together and I am happy to be the link between the two.

Maybe I need to add common denominator to my resume.

Guru available. Needs dental.

As time goes by I find myself writing less and less and feeling worse and worse. I think I need to write more to feel better. Not sure whether that's good news or bad or all of you...

I am looking for a meaningful way to spend my days. Though it would have been easier just to stay there, I left my job at UCSF because I have this need to do more than that job was allowing me to do. It's time for a challenge. I have this energy and knowledge and experience that I can put to good use, somewhere.  Now I just need to figure out where that is.

Of course, I feel like I should be standing on a mountaintop dispensing wisdom, and if I could figure out how to turn that into a paying gig, I would do it. Perhaps there is a website called "weneedgurus.org" that has the mountains and provides benefits, but I haven't come across it. I know something will revel itself in time. Patience is the key; but it is a quality I have never had in any great measure.

Really though, what makes me think I have so much to offer? I am past middle age, I have a checkerboard resume that doesn't include the twenty years of experience that really shaped me. How do I convey that the experiences I had and the things I learned raising Maggie are the very things that make me a valuable asset to a company. The workplace doesn't appreciate motherhood in its purest form and could not possibly understand the version I had. So what makes me the guru?  Swagger? Confidence? Delusion?  

Perhaps all three.

My friend Elizabeth posted this opinion piece from David Brooks of the New York Times yesterday. I suppose it's just a literary version of "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger." but it really spoke to me. The perspective I acquired because of raising and losing -- especially losing - Maggie  is the very thing that makes me think I am that guru.  It's worth a read.

What Suffering Does

Coming out of my shell

Thanks for all the encouragement following my last post about finding a new job.  The encouragement has come in the form of solid leads in some cases and that is especially fantastic. We shall see where all of this takes me.

Yesterday I ran into someone at the hospital and told her I was planning to leave. She asked kindly, "Is this too much?"  I smiled and realized for the first time that wasn't the case at all. I told her, "No, actually, it's not enough. I'm just ready for more."

The best comparison I have for all of this is a turtle. I have been staying in my protective shell -- safe from the outside world for the most part. Because of the people I work with at the hospital, I feel very protected and safe. I haven't had to take any risks at all. They have taken care of me since Maggie died and allowed me to be part of the world while still protected.


Right now I guess I'm ready to come out of my shell. I'm sticking my head out and looking around, but know I can retreat right back into the shell if need be. With the encouragement and ideas coming from all of you I don't feel that's necessary.

Note the rather shocked look on the face here. That's exactly how I feel. Please do feel free to keep those ideas coming. It's energizing, even at a turtle's pace.

I do like the turtle metaphor. It also allows me to take this slow. And you know what they say about slow and steady....

Wanted: Choice position

This is a strange time in my life.  .

I have friends and relatives retiring. They have put in their long hard years of work and now get to take it easy to enjoy grandchildren or to enjoy the non professional sides of their respective lives. They've earned the retirement, financially and every other way.  I wish them well.

But, once again, I find myself out of sync with my peers.  As they decide how to spend their hard earned leisure time, I have decided it's time to get back to work. So with all my experience and the gray hair to show for it, I am looking for a job.

I have been working at UCSF Benioff Children's Hospital for the past couple of years. I work as a parent liaison, helping families navigate the hospital setting and get what they need for their kids. I like it and I'm good at it, but it's just a couple of days a week and I need to do more. It was perfect when I had Maggie here and it was perfect to come back to after I lost her. It is a safe place for me. But I can't stay in this cocoon forever. I want to work more than that and I need to feel like I'm making a difference. I haven't ruled out staying there if the job is right, but have given my notice so I am not lulled into complacency. It would be easy to keep doing what I'm doing, but I know it's not enough for me.

What type of job, you may ask? And that would certainly be a reasonable question. The answer is not as clear. My husband suggested I go back to a law firm, but I'm not sure that's right for me. I am not the same person I was when I was forced to leave that world when Maggie arrived in our lives. Twenty years of advocating for just one client sharpened some skills and focused my interest.

 I know that I want to stay in "Maggie's World" as I've come to call it.  That likely means the non profit world, or one of the agencies that serves the disabled or medically involved people of the world. I have developed a certain expertise in this area that I want to put to work; that it allows me to continue to honor Maggie is just gravy.

So I'm laying the groundwork and networking and doing all the things one does when they are in re-entry mode. Now I'm telling all of you and I welcome your thoughts, leads, ideas or anything else.

In a perfect world I could just toss out something like Jane and Michael Banks did in "Mary Poppins" and the perfect job will blow in with the wind.

I never smell of Barley water. So I've got that going for me.

Tim's Home

Maggie is delighted that her big brother Tim is back. He came home last week but basically just dumped his stuff, including at least 10 loads of laundry and left again after a couple of days. He’s back to stay now and that makes her H A P P Y.

I spent the last few days doing that giant mound of laundry. I told Tim I would wash and dry it and leave it for him to fold and put away. The pile of clean clothes piled on the futon in the laundry room is impressive. Fortunately, there’s a tv down there too. He can put in a movie and just sit there and fold.

Somehow, Tim has to find a job. That’s not going to be easy in this economy. He looked into a few things last week before he left and lots and lots of resumes have gone out on craigslist this week. Now that he’s back he’s going to go into some of those places and let them see his handsome face. These employers need to see that he is a big strong guy because the anonymity of the internet is not helping him. The jobs he is qualified for (at not quite 19 years of age) are limited and there’s a lot of competition out there. He did get one bite, but nothing definitive.

Fortunately, San Francisco is a tourist mecca and there’s always work in that industry. There’s competition to be selected, but there’s always work. Tim would do well in that industry. He is very affable and knows the City like a book.

If he doesn’t find something I will hire him to do fix-it jobs around here. Things like painting and stripping the deck. This stuff needs to be done, but are not priorities. I will not spend the money on them unless Tim needs work.

Maggie would love it if Tim worked for me because he would be around that much more. Those two have a special connection and always have. Maggie will say something on her talker and Tim will just look at her as if to say, Really? You going there with me now? She knows it’s coming and waits for it. He delays…and then delivers. She laughs her head off. They can spend hours doing that.

Hmmm. If he works for me, I’m paying by the job not by the hour.