Wednesday, August 13, 2014

I'll think about that tomorrow.

It is six months since we lost Maggie. It sees like yesterday and it seems like forever. We have been floating along trying to keep our heads above water. This takes a lot of effort and many other things in the business of life have necessarily taken a back seat. There are some major decisions to be made, and I for one am purposefully not making them yet. Yes, our way of handling these major decisions has been to deliberately delay them.

Right after Maggie passed away, we decided to take a trip. We really couldn't travel with Maggie and taking even a couple of days required extraordinary effort to get all Maggie's care and supplies in place. An extended trip was out of the question.  Now it isn't and we are going to Ireland. 
Obviously the trip is exciting and looking forward to it and planning it has been a great distraction. We've had the airline tickets for months and with the help of our friend Colm, we have a great itinerary planned. The trip has been more than that, though. It has been a distant point in the future after which we will make decisions.  

The mantra in this house has been, "We'll decide when we return from Ireland."  This is our own version of Scarlet O'Hara saying "I won't think about that today, I'll think about that tomorrow."
Unlike Scarlet and Rhett, however, Steve and I live in the real world and decisions can't be put off forever. 

The trip to Ireland looms and my excitement is tempered somewhat by the realization that Going on the trip means we are closer to returning from the trip and making decisions. I finally said to Steve, we need to realize that the universe isn't just going to open up and provide answers for us the moment we get back in the USA. Perhaps that's just another delay tactic. 

One such decision is what to do with myself. I worked 24/7 taking care of or managing Maggie's care for nearly 20 years. Not having that constant responsibility takes a lot of getting used to.  I'm not used to it yet, and probably never will be, but I have to fill up my days in a way that make sense to me and maybe does a little good in the world; and for the first time in a long time, I want to get paid to do it. I need a job that will interest me, and allow me to use my talents and the knowledge I gained being part of Maggie's World. I think about it, I have some ideas. I talk to people about it, but I am waiting to move forward That is a huge decision at any time, but particularly after/during such an emotionally wrenching time. I'll figure it out when we return from Ireland. 

There are other major decisions as well. I sold the van and haven't replaced it yet. I don't drive that much and have been borrowing my father in laws car when I need one. Getting a car and the type will depend on what I decide to do. I've considered just going without and using Uber around town, but I don't think I'm quite cool enough for that; and I don't want to be the one someone always has to come and pick up. There are days Steve doesn't need his car, but we never know when. We really need 1.5 cars, not 2; but it's hard to find the .5 vehicles these days. Maybe they sell them in Ireland. 

And, of course, there's the matter of this house being dogless. Should we get another dog? What kind? An Irish wolfhound?  All of these decisions are interrelated in some ways. Should we get a dog if I'm going to be working outside of the house full time? Will my working require a car? should we get a car that works with a dog? etc. Will the dog fit in a .5 vehicle?

I'm sure all of these things will fall into place in their own way; but we both want to stop floating and start grabbing ahold of life again.  There is still a little time left to enjoy the delay and we have to not worry about these things so we can enjoy the trip.

So, channelling Miss Scarlett, I won't think about it today, I'll think about it tomorrow. 


  1. Despite the gravity of the situation and the reasons for it, I had to smile at this post. Said in your inimitable style. I just know the right thing will be coming your way -- and until then, have a wonderful time in Ireland!

  2. Over the last six months I have come to admire you on many levels. One in particular admiration has to do with the vast amount of things that you are so capable of doing in part because of your life experience(s)-in part because you are who you are just kinda amazing. It seems to me that Maggie has led you along a path of continual learning that in turn has opened you up to; becoming a leader or taking a lead in that world that specializes in defending and helping and organizing the rights of those who could really need some guidance. You are amazing and you do amazing things and I agree with Elizabeth, go have a good time. I am willing to bet that you will be offered something even before 'tomorrow' so quick grab some fun first.


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