This is an ongoing series about the stupid things people say to or about Maggie and our life. I’ve written other installments. Just click on the "stupidity" tag in the list of categories to the right and you will see those posts.
This makes it sound like I’m fending off these comments every day, and I’m really not. I still get more than my share of stupid comments, but either it has slowed down or I’ve grown immune because I don’t hear this stuff so much anymore. Nonetheless, well meaning people should understand that a lot of their comments are not welcome at all.
Some of you wanted to know how I respond to dumb remarks , and I have snappy comments for many. The subjects in this post, however, are met mostly with a stony silence. To quote an excellent phrase my brother used recently, a whisper can be louder than a shout. These categories are: 1). She is not a pet and 2) religious observations should be offered silently. (And just to be clear, I have a dog that I adore and I have a religion that works for me.)
I cannot count the number of times Maggie has been compared to someone’s cat or dog. I cannot think of a single time this wasn’t completely offensive. I realize you love your pet and that's great. Nonetheless, emergency trips to the neurosurgeon or calling 911 because Maggie isn’t breathing do not compare to taking the cat to the vet. Maggie’s often frantic emotional responses should not be likened to your dog’s fear of sirens or thunder. No disrespect to your cat, dog, horse, pig, fish or any other pet, but PUHLEASE.
The worst of it is when these comparisons are made by medical professionals. One example (of hundreds): When Maggie was little she could not tolerate riding in the car. We could go about a mile and then she would start screaming. S C R E A M I N G. And that made her turn blue. It was unnerving and did not make for safe driving. Her wheelchair needed some repairs and rather than come to San Francisco, as was the custom, the woman wanted me to drive to Stanford, about 45 minutes south of here. I simply said, “I’d rather wait for you to come to SF, I just cannot come down there. It would be unsafe because Maggie can’t tolerate it. She said, sympathetically, “my cat is the same way. I just can’t do anything because of it.’ My silence was pronounced. There was a pause and then she said, uhhhh, I guess that’s not the same thing, is it.
No. It’s not. Comparisons to healthy children are hard – appropriate, but hard. Comparisons to animals are not ok.
The Religious comments come fast and furiously. We used to go to church with Maggie all the time, but we take her only rarely now. Religious comments when we are at church are acceptable, even if they make me a bit uncomfortable. We are there; the subject is apropos. However, strangers stopping me in the park to tell me that God chose me, or Maggie, or people telling me that Maggie is an old soul and gets to enjoy this life with people caring for her, or people asking me if I thought I was interfering with God’s work by having all these surgeries (honest to God!) are not. And I REALLY resent being told that I must have done something bad because I’m being punished. Here’s news: I am not the devil and I am certainly not a saint. Neither is Maggie.
I will make a sweeping generalization here. People who are willing to share their religious views in public assume everyone agrees with them. They do not think these are "opinions" or "views," they are trying to share what they believe is the TRUTH. It may be your truth, but it may NOT be mine.
To those of you sharing applying their religious views or rules to my family, know this: Even in the event I agree with you, I will still not discuss this. The fact that my daughter has a feeding tube does not automatically dictate where I stand on end of life issues, for example, and thank you but NO! I will not discuss and will certainly not debate this with you. No one should not mistake my silence as acquiescence or agreement. My religion is private and personal to me. I wish yours was to you.
Smile at her, say hello to her. Pray for her, pray for me, send positive vibes, do whatever positive thing your religion or philosophy does. We thank you for that. But don’t come up to me in the grocery store, or in the park, and interpret my daughter’s situation from the standpoint of your religion. It makes everyone uncomfortable.
This makes it sound like I’m fending off these comments every day, and I’m really not. I still get more than my share of stupid comments, but either it has slowed down or I’ve grown immune because I don’t hear this stuff so much anymore. Nonetheless, well meaning people should understand that a lot of their comments are not welcome at all.
Some of you wanted to know how I respond to dumb remarks , and I have snappy comments for many. The subjects in this post, however, are met mostly with a stony silence. To quote an excellent phrase my brother used recently, a whisper can be louder than a shout. These categories are: 1). She is not a pet and 2) religious observations should be offered silently. (And just to be clear, I have a dog that I adore and I have a religion that works for me.)
I cannot count the number of times Maggie has been compared to someone’s cat or dog. I cannot think of a single time this wasn’t completely offensive. I realize you love your pet and that's great. Nonetheless, emergency trips to the neurosurgeon or calling 911 because Maggie isn’t breathing do not compare to taking the cat to the vet. Maggie’s often frantic emotional responses should not be likened to your dog’s fear of sirens or thunder. No disrespect to your cat, dog, horse, pig, fish or any other pet, but PUHLEASE.
The worst of it is when these comparisons are made by medical professionals. One example (of hundreds): When Maggie was little she could not tolerate riding in the car. We could go about a mile and then she would start screaming. S C R E A M I N G. And that made her turn blue. It was unnerving and did not make for safe driving. Her wheelchair needed some repairs and rather than come to San Francisco, as was the custom, the woman wanted me to drive to Stanford, about 45 minutes south of here. I simply said, “I’d rather wait for you to come to SF, I just cannot come down there. It would be unsafe because Maggie can’t tolerate it. She said, sympathetically, “my cat is the same way. I just can’t do anything because of it.’ My silence was pronounced. There was a pause and then she said, uhhhh, I guess that’s not the same thing, is it.
No. It’s not. Comparisons to healthy children are hard – appropriate, but hard. Comparisons to animals are not ok.
The Religious comments come fast and furiously. We used to go to church with Maggie all the time, but we take her only rarely now. Religious comments when we are at church are acceptable, even if they make me a bit uncomfortable. We are there; the subject is apropos. However, strangers stopping me in the park to tell me that God chose me, or Maggie, or people telling me that Maggie is an old soul and gets to enjoy this life with people caring for her, or people asking me if I thought I was interfering with God’s work by having all these surgeries (honest to God!) are not. And I REALLY resent being told that I must have done something bad because I’m being punished. Here’s news: I am not the devil and I am certainly not a saint. Neither is Maggie.
I will make a sweeping generalization here. People who are willing to share their religious views in public assume everyone agrees with them. They do not think these are "opinions" or "views," they are trying to share what they believe is the TRUTH. It may be your truth, but it may NOT be mine.
To those of you sharing applying their religious views or rules to my family, know this: Even in the event I agree with you, I will still not discuss this. The fact that my daughter has a feeding tube does not automatically dictate where I stand on end of life issues, for example, and thank you but NO! I will not discuss and will certainly not debate this with you. No one should not mistake my silence as acquiescence or agreement. My religion is private and personal to me. I wish yours was to you.
Smile at her, say hello to her. Pray for her, pray for me, send positive vibes, do whatever positive thing your religion or philosophy does. We thank you for that. But don’t come up to me in the grocery store, or in the park, and interpret my daughter’s situation from the standpoint of your religion. It makes everyone uncomfortable.
Go tell your cat or dog or fish or pig.
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